Relationships are a funny thing...

Dear Reader,

In the heat of anger I forget. The fear envelopes my sense of good judgment. Another critique of my emotions, another rolling of the eyes at my effort to address an issue, and the general feeling coming out; I don't want to be near you. I forget, who I am. I forget the most important feeling:
Gratitude.

Relationships are funny things, they bring out the best and the worst in people. My favorite saying is from a one legged man, Danny. He has been married several years now and often tells younger men that he sponsors when they ask about getting into a relationship.
"If you don't think you have any character defects, get into a relationship. Its like miracle grow for your defects of character."

Omininus words I failed to heed. I fell in love, we moved in together and began the dream of family. It was the healthiest relationship I had been in, I was now 30 years old. I also believed that God had directed me to this person and her to me, his hand in the pot; so to speak.

Life was great, as we lived in a one bedroom apartment. The closeness brought on by our intense lovemaking and lack of personal space. Things between us were perfect. Living that close gives a personal view of a person's habits, nuances and emotions. We knew everything about each other. My feet were not always the best smelling feature of my body. She liked to leave her clothes piled in the middle of the room. I found these behaviors to be endearing and easily accepted. I knew everything about her before she moved in and she knew the same about me. Long talks while we were dating revealing our most horrible habits. Communication and honesty were the touchstones of our relationship. She had a saying as well about true love, one that I find today to be the reality in every long standing relationship I know.

"Real love, true love isn't a fairytale about happily ever after. It's when you find something really disgusting, like old gym socks or a really huge dump in the toilet. You call your partner over saying 'Look at this! Its really big!' Then later that night you can pull her close, kissing passionately. That's real love. Knowing everything, and I do mean everything and still finding that she is the one that turns you on."
I'll admit the first time she eluded to this sentiment I didn't believe her, no one thought the same way I did. Usually the dating leads you to believe that the person talks the same language but after the initial three dates you find that they didn't really mean it. About two weeks after this conversation I had a scare in the bathroom.

Worried I called her cellphone.
"Honey, I am concerned." the first words out of my mouth.
"Why? What's the matter?" she asked her voice taking that soft tone I loved.
I drew in a deep breath, "Okay I was going pee and when I got up I looked at it. I don't know, its habit to check the toilet after I go. Weird, huh? Anyway my pee is a strange, its green." I rolled the sentences together. Partly because I didn't know what green pee meant, my repitore of colors and medical conditions weren't up to date. Partly because I hoped she wouldn't think I was an absolute nutter, screaming for me to get the hell away from her. I waited for seconds, which seemed like an eternity when she asked me an odd question.
"What color is the toilet water?" I heard her inhale on a cigarette. The question was odd yet the synapses had begun to fire in my brain. The toilet water was blue, I liked those tablets made the toilet look and feel clean.
"Its blue." I replied wondering what she could be insinuating.
"There is nothing wrong with you, blue and yellow make green." she said now an apparent chuckle in her voice.
Suddenly it made sense, I began to laugh too.

The concept of sharing the intimate details with someone wasn't always my initial reaction. I grew up hiding everything out of survival. Pleasing my partner's desires, their judgements becoming my life aim to change about myself. I would change in order to keep them close. Ordinarly telling the woman I was dating, and seriously falling hard for that my pee was green didn't exactly fit into my old idea of relationships. Usually it was the self sabotage that led to the end of the relationship, not that my pee changes color with different toilets.

After living together for a while we had decided to bring her son home. She spent two weeks looking at houses after work. There had to be enough bedrooms, bathrooms, working appliances the CPS worker would need to inspect the house. Things had to be just so, as per usual when dealing a government office. We were both excited and nervous. I got along well with her sons, Ian and I really hit it off. There were other issues like drugs, 17 year old boy's hormones, and the care and keeping of a house that became the small fears. Love is a wonderful feeling, 'in love' erases any fears with a magic veil.
We settled on a home, I fell in love with the house immediately. It had a wood paneled room where I could write my first book, a woodburning stove in our bedroom and a garage for her tools and welding stuff. Ian even had his own space, bathroom and the livingroom was big enough for family nights. My mind reeled with evening's of video games, movies and long talks around her golden round table.
My best friend came to look at the house after my partner had gotten the keys. I walked through preening like a peacock. I told her about the rooms, the painting we would do, the writing, the living room. She hardly got a word in edge wise when my partner said from outside the front door.
"I am waiting!" the mock impatience in her voice made me laugh. I walked outside where she stood with her hands on her hips, and a smile on her face. I opened my arms to hug her when she jumped into my arms. My heart burst with joy as I carried her over the threshold. My best friend could only smile and shake her head as we kissed.

I don't have the date or time of when my idea of perfect began to breakdown. Looking back I woulk have to say it was a process. Little events here, large events there each one gnawing at my insides. The idea of perfect disinigrating.
The communication waned again, the bedroom became a place to sleep and family nights were few and far in between.

My fear of losing my family was the beganing to manifest itself in little ways.
"Why can't you put the dishes back in the kitchen? I don't expect you to wash all the dishes, and I shouldn't have to go into your room to find a glass to drink out of." Ian was non responsive to most criticisms, she wasn't willing to take responsibilty of making him clean up after himself. I was frustrated and it was only Tuesday.

Don't get me wrong it wasn't a one time complaint, and my partner did in fact have several talks with her son on respecting the household. Not taking all the towels, or bringing his laundry out to be done on laundry day. There were moments of clarity that all three of us were able to bring about peace. Those moments of reprieve kept me coming back, hoping that things would get better.

Things began to pile up, I was tired of doing all the housework. I felt as though I was unappreciated. It grew because she was talking less than before, and playing video games alone. Nights went by when she didn't come to bed, not helped by my nagging as to why we didn't have sex, or talk. Her response was we are talking right now. Why do we have to have the same conversation? You demand too much from me. I feel emotionally drained and I am not in the mood.

The snowball effect was in full force. I was complaining to my sponsor, again.
Mel would listen, quietly taking in my words. When I exhausted myself talking she told me to write a gratitude list.
"The answer honey," she said lovingly. "Is not in getting other people to do their part but in maintaining yours." I went home feeling relieved that I could do something.

I took my pen and paper, sat down at the table and this was what I wrote.

Gratitude list for my partner

1. Her Generosity.
2. Her love of family.
3. Her willingness.
4. Bringing me coffee in the morning.
5. Not being jealous when I go to meetings.
6. Listening to me.
7. Reminding me when I walk from God.
8. Carrying us through when I needed to make a change in carreers.
9. She loves me completely when we share physically.
10. How she looks at me when she sees something that shows her why she she loves me.
11.The way she loves on Poet (The Dog)
12. How she takes charge of herself and her life.
13. Her Confidence.
14. Crying. When she does. It is a gift that she cries in front of me.
15. How she picks the barnacles off my back.
16. She rubs me when we don't want to snuggle.
17. When one hand reaces out to rest on my person as she falls asleep.
18. That day I was frustrated and no one was living up to my expectations. She asked me to come toward her, she whispered in my ear, "Thank you."
19.How she askes me how my day was when I come home.
20. She lets me be me.
21. She loves me for who I am .
22.She buys me feminine jewlery.
23. When she cooks
24. How she shares her struggles, desires, and dreams.
25. Honesty
26.Communication
27. She talks to me on the computer, while we are in the same room.
28. Her romantic side
29. Her inner beauty.
30. How her hand caresses and holds my face when she wants me to know she loves me or right before she kisses me.

The shallowness and anger begans to give way to a feelling of thankfulness and love. It really does work. In that moment I felt gratitude, as Bill Wilson wrote; "Gratitude is the finest outgoing emotion one can experience."
I re-read my list, remembering each moment, I knew love existed. The worries and fears didn't matter. Money, committment, and household chores became unimportant. I had no care about whether today was the day something bad would happen. I knew only the truth.

We were living this day to day existence with a common goal; raising a family and loving each to the best of our ability. One day at a time we were coming to the realization of our dreams.

Cool