Gardening... Plants teaching about Women

Dear Reader,

A mornine quote to start the day:

"Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty,and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity." - Lindley Karstens

I live in an apartment, so gardening in the morning presents some unique challenges. Though I do take pride in attempting to grow something. When my wife and split three years ago I focused on creating a healthier me, working out, meetings, self reflection and plants. First I tried a fish, thinking perhaps a fish would be easy to maintain. The beta, from walmart, died three weeks later. By that time I mourned very little because there was a new occupant in the bed. Shortlived as it was, a year and half later I found myself facing the same questions, fears only this time they felt real. >:-
Since Jan 2008 my life's journey is amazing, well to be perfectly honest the whole damn thing is amazing. These past two years, I feel I have quantum leaped through growth spurts. A year after Poet died, I bought a rose. Made sense to me, Love is symbolized by roses, I am love.. you get the idea. Arizona however, is not famous for it's rose gardens. And my attempt at a green thumb died with it's last petal.
The self-talk started then, "Maybe it skips a generation or something..." Grandma, on my mom's side, can grow anything anywhere. Her strawberries are famous as well, skipping a generation meant I got the power to grow things. Apparently that isn't the case, *see rose in pot*.

Later walking through a store I happened upon a beautiful golden, red flower. Matched my current chakra decorations, so I bought it. Marigolds, subsequently that became her name. After the debacle with the rose I learned a valuable lesson from my ex.
Standing in her motorcycle shop, discussing the death of "Rose."

"I don't get it, how can I even consider being in a relationship? I killed the fish, now the rose, arrrgh.. Amazing, perhaps I am not cut out for this type of growth." I whined.
Renae listened while wiping down the fender, "What happened with the plant from Tonya? You still have it in water right?" she asked.
I didn't say anything at first, technically this wasn't about the fish or the rose. I suppose if anyone got that, it was Renae. She looked up at me, cocking her head to one side. "What did you do?"

I shrugged, "NOthing! I was listening to a song and felt this overwhleming sense of knowing. I knew she wanted to be planted. So I came home and planted her in the pot." Renae looked back at the fender, "Well did she have hairs, roots anything?" I didn't think to check that, but I didn't know how to tell her.
"umm.. I think there was, yeah." Renae shakes her head.
Instantly I felt the need to defend myself.
"I know it's weird, but I sensed it and I acted. You know there is a bond between a girl and her plant...."
"Oh pulease... don't try to sell that crap here. I know you better." she interjected. Her green eyes stared at me for a long moment. I felt the anger dissapate, my need to be right and ready floated away. Strange, I thought, she is right.
"I do this, don't I?" not really asking Renae, asking myself and hearing the answer.

"FUCK!" I exclaim as the light went off in the light bulb. Renae looked up from the fender she was wet sanding. "What, now?" she asked irritated.
"It's crazy, I do this all the time. I beleive in what I am saying, she needs to be planted? Really? Its like I have some gift at knowing when a plant should have roots. Kind of like women, I do the same thing. I push until they do what I think they should. While in my mind I am thinking this is what they need. Really? Its no wonder I am never happy in a relationship, I am controlling everyone else. Holy shit, I did it with mish, and I did it ..."looking up Renae is watching me, intently. "I did it with you." The dawning comprehension of the end of our relationship, I finally could see my part in the downward spiral. I blamed her, the dog, her dad, her son, at once or individually thinking I had done everything I could to save it. Never once considering I had a part in the process.

Wow, the flashes of the last two years came in quick succession. I understood, even realized that it was exactly the way it needed to be for me to 'get it'. Renae smiled, softly to herself.
"Renae, I am sorry for thinking that I had any clue of what you needed. I am sorry for pushing you to be something you didn't want, to have a boxed in life and for not seeing how I tried to plant you in soil you weren't ready for. I ask for your forgiveness. If there is anything I can do to make this right, I am willing." The words came quickly but not hurriedly. I knew what to say, the program had taught me well the process for amends. What I didn't expect was Renae's keen insight.

"A plant will grow but not if you drown it. The soil must be moist, not wet. Moist. Anything else and she drowns."

"You know if this topic wasn't about plants, it would be a hell of an insight to women. Not to metion, funny." I answered.

Things change over time, people grow apart Renae haven't spoken in months. And Marigold blossomed for six months before she flowered her last bud. Now there is Ivy, Aloe, and Bob all living in my apartment. Not quite the temptation for Kapha, the ninja kitty, but flourishing in good health. I finally learned how to let go and let them grow, not take my illusions as soemone elses, and most importantly how to keep the soil moist.

Rochelle Foulk

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