Another Fight

Its been a while, since I felt the touch of my own hand. Never did understand why people stopped masturbating when they got into a relationship. Personally it increases the time I spend self loving.

Still not in a relationship, nor do I want one. Cant figure out how or when that changed but there you go. A long day left me wondering about my actions and feelings. There I was sitting in the corner of the room listening to another man tell my story as heads gently bobbed up and down in agreement.

Fear, still present, blocks still intact, another wall or sheet of stone that comvers my fragile heart? It all boils down to the feeling. Its the feeling, the one that washes over me in waves, fills me with more peace and connects to my being in a way I had not experienced until now.

Isn't that love? I dont know. I can't tell. I thought perhaps but then I am pulled into another tailspin of doubt and fear.
She wants this. She wants that.

What about what I want?

In the quiet of the night I wait, listening to stillness of my own heart. I can't hear it beat anymore. What happened? You were so close only weeks ago, the voice of my soul. The little girl that walks in my place, leads the way for adventure and protects my heart. Where did you go?

The answer is in the cards, they say. The one marked schizophrenia... strange name for a card. Head first or feet first? Which way to go, stuck in a pull and not knowing what to do or where to go.
Finally I have had a enough, the slicing of the blade comes down as I remove myself from each portion of this sticky web. Fingers are slipping and I lift my hand. Toes are losing grip and I push off with both feet.

Falling, fearing, lost, knowing, believing and trusting.

There it is ... the soft sound I longed for.. louder now harder and thunderous in my ears.

It is the sound of my heart beating, boldly.

Waking up in the middle of the bed, my phone silent next to my ear. Fingers entwined in hair and wetness.. a sense of wakefulness and arrival. I am here. I am alive and I am reborn....

again.

Been a while since I touched my own skin. Next time it wont be so far apart.

Cool