From the yesterday to the today

Dear Friends,

Sometimes I am sitting here completely confused other times the simple answers are just there and I feel right as rain.

Yesterday was not such a day.

But lets back it up shall we? Really more so because I need to be sure of what the fuck just happened. Or maybe I don't, either way the tool of writing always reveals to me the truth I missed or the clarity I am seeking.

Understanding the difference between pain and pleasure. This a good place to start. Vegas provided both of these, the last two days I spent in complete fear and feeling unsafe in my surroundings. I didn't have a person to go to about it, felt like there was a crazy train running through the room. Yoga, meditation, talking with a guy named Frank, then pulling cards. Eventually I found the peace at 4am Tuesday morning. The ease came back, the fear left and the simple words that carried me were

Please God, thank you for this experience. I came home, eager to find solace in my space. I have a best friend that came to my aid. Through a few conversations I felt better, still uncertain when it comes to relationships. Then I talked to Ben. We found some more pieces. I still hadn't discovered what happened over the weekend in Vegas, learned about that two days after being back in Arizona.

It is all strange, very strange. Somewhat of a circle of uncertainty and doubt. There are moments of strange peace and I am reminded once again;

A master is one who always makes the same choice, the highest choice that serves their purpose. No matter what the same choice.

The choice is still the same, Aloneness, seeeking the self before another.

I choose me.

Why then do I decide to accept a new relationship?

I must be out of my damn mind to continue to hurt another person and myself because of this insidious fear.

The fear, obviously is being alone. The fear of walking through the rest of my life alone.

Seriously, that one little fear makes me do all sorts of crazy shit. The most evident is go against what I know is right for me.

No doubt, its not fair nor is loving to drag someone through this sort of wishy washy attitude. I have no issue with her, in fact I feel horrible for doing the same thing to her she did to me a few years ago.
We just keep flipping...
Regardless of what my friends think, my inner circle of women, and of course her, the result is we all have the same fear.

It was my sponsor that helped me to seek another solution.
Dependency has to come on to god.

People are watching and they see the crazy I am walking through.
Some say this way, otehrs say that way. Truth is I don't care anymore.
The dream that is pushed throughout tv, radio, and movies is only the illusion. Life is not meant to be hard, relationships are not intended to me strenuous or painful.
Arguments happen, yes. I am not saying its this la la land of rainbows and fucking unicorns.
But fighting fair. That is a big one.

I want to date. Thats it. thats my line right now. Dating is natural and normal. IT jsut doesn't look normal to others. cause really teh fear pushes us into "girlfriends", moving in, Marriage and the dreaded lesbian MERGE...

The thoughts of it create fear and havoc in my stomach.

People can either get on board with the new train, or keep riding their own. I have no preference either way. Love, Real Love accepts what you want who you are and where you are going just as it is.

Remember acceptance isn't climbing aboard the train. It means I get it, this is what you know.

Changing who I am is a process that will continue throughout my lifetime. The only constant we have, she taught me that. If you like the old me verses the new me, maybe looking at the reality of my choice.

It did not serve me to be that way anymore. So why would I do it for you?

Nope, thats a bit closer to hell than to heaven for me.
Remember that judgment reflects yourself and not the other person.
Pain is no longer negotiable for me, I don't need it in my life or my relationships.
This is the new revolution, the spiritual revolution.

In all of it, no matter what anyone tells you...

There is only Love here.

Only love.

~Peace
~Dragon.

Cool