Relating.... In Relationships

Sitting on the bench near the foreign language building, actually, it’s not really a bench. More like a picnic table with four “bench like” seats that combine together to make a square. There is an umbrella to protect from various elements, for Arizona that is namely the sun. People that live here for long periods or are born here have no issue with the sun. After all they have years of experience in dealing with the blasting heat, wind that increases temperature and of course what hydration really means. Just sitting there, waiting for John to show up to lunch with Amy and I. I am not feeling particularly loving or interested in the woman I am with. Part of me wonders what that is about, the truth is I am just shut down. She is my girlfriend, yep and as much as things don’t feel particularly right in this moment I know that is who she is. The trick becomes how to not take my frustration out on her, or anyone.


The dramas in our relationships always center from the self, seriously. It may look like there is someone to blame but I already know there are no victims and no villains. That means there is something else at work here, something switching, shifting or realigning itself. How is that possible? Because any other way only begets more pain, frustration and fear, actions that hurt people are calls for help. The Course in Miracles talks about this, as does Conversations with God. Attacking is translated into hurt and degrading of another human, usually a human you are close too.

ie: the girlfriend, Amy. Who in the moment simply makes the observation.

“You seem really distant today.”

A moment passes; I chose to not respond to the statement. The accurate statement. I internalize what she says; ask if it’s real and voila, I hear my heart saying, “Yes, I am distant. I was distant when I awoke this morning. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially you. Not because you are a pain or I don’t like you but because I can’t hide what I am feeling from you. Do I want to hide my feelings from you? Yes. Why? Partly because being vulnerable is scary, partly because emotionally standing naked in front of people in my experience returns deeper wounds, partly because I don’t know how to express my feelings, partly because I don’t want to answer questions about them, partly because I am still processing myself.”

What came out of my mouth? “What? Yes, is that a problem!?”



Hmm… pretty sure that attack is a call for help. Yep maybe there is something in these books I read or hear about. Damn it.

So she does what any healthy, able bodied, strong woman would do.

Called me on my shit.

Not to mention that real friendships, in my opinion do the same.

“You are being shitty to me. I don’t like it.” Amy replies after a few more moments of silent brooding and hurtful words. John who is now witnessing the exchange stays quiet because he prefers to stay out of domestic disputes and likes the neutral status.

She’s right, of course, not that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ exist, only that treating people that way is not my personal favorite.

So why do I do it?

Exactly the question we are here to answer!! Why do I do that… well let’s see from the asshole manual it states “this response is to garner reasonable distance in a relationship to avoid strong ties, passion, and intimacy.”

Hmm... Okay... that makes sense but is that what I want?

Here’s the codependency manual and it says, “Using the defensive technique will allow for the circle of pain, explosion and sex. Assuming your partner has learned the pattern hurting each other through various verbal attacks allows for the explosion to rid oneself of all internal and external frustration then bringing the closeness by making up.”

oh wow… that is um… Wait there is an asterick here, *flips page
*Note: during the cycle of pain, and explosion not all frustration may release as to continue the buildup for the next round.

Thinking that is not where I want to go.

Right, moving on! Here’s another manual, “Attacking another person for any statement or action is the result of unresolved issues within your emotional states of being. In other words, you are being an ass because you don’t know how to deal with an emotion you are now experiencing.”

Well that was forward. There is an emotion I am experiencing, fear, not good enough and overwhelmed.

All because I got an F on my French test, sound familiar to you? It’s the little things that spark the creating of new emotional developments.

Personally I don’t get it, I love French. Really I find it to be a beautiful sounding language. Like the Merovingian says in the Matrix “It’s like wiping your ass with silk.”

So the break down comes in rapid succession.

Dad never had time for my sports or band. I felt I wasn’t loved or validated as a child and then constantly sought approval in our relationship. This is evident growing up in a fearful state, traumatic childhood with physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

As an adult these behaviors are carried into other relationships, whether they be work, romance, careers, friendships etc.

Knowing the process and healing the first time this emotional void was felt is how we heal this. My little girl, she is looking for validation. Now it’s not from daddy, but from the world, my actions namely from myself.

I have the power to validate me. The little girl needs her mom, her dad, her spiritual guide and seeking it through other people will lead to codependency and asshole tactics. (See above for example).

What now? Amy did only what a sane person would do, sane in my definition. She isn’t a saint nor does she want to be on a pedestal. Neither does anyone for that matter. Sifting through the boxes in this attic/basement has uncovered more truths about me. The bottom line comes from the simplest of answers.

Obviously what I am doing in French, isn’t working. So let’s try something else.

*Picks up manual* “When seeking clarity from uncertainty, one usually finds simplicity staring them in the face. In other words, to heal the wounds creating new ones will not heal the old ones. Instead try to see the truth: There is no spoon. Then you realize it is not the spoon that bends but yourself.”

Not sure I get it completely but for right now I can see my five hours a day studying French isn’t working. Probably not helping either, that I take a day break during the weekend. A man does not eat an elephant by swallowing it whole, rather he enjoys pieces. Right; and as for Amy? An honest appraisal of one’s actions is felt through the ripple of energy. A good talk over some coffee or lemon water may be just the ticket. God says in Neale’s book, to be emotionally naked in front of a loved one is significantly harder than being physically naked.

That’s funny, because the codependency manual talks about sex as part of a cyclical cycle of hurt and pain. I don’t feel like sex right now, but I could use a good loving friend.

Cool