The Dance

It is coming, the free for all of human entertainment, also known as a Dance. Today is an ordinary day, meetings, business meetings, talking, volunteer work, food, home and maybe some cleaning.

Okay, I did not do any cleaning, aside from running the garbage disposal because it smelled. Lemons are now on the grocery list, household hints taken from the best housekeeping magazine, Mom.

The phone is ringing again. I have no desire to answer it, and I am fine with that. The variable themes of the day have one underlying thread, a headache. Even now it is dulled itself to a pulsing light throb.

I asked the question.

What is wrong that my head is hurting? The body wastes no time in telling me that it is the cigarette sitting in my right hand, somewhere between the second knuckle and the base of my finger. Sighing I put it out, quitting isn't the issue its the knowledge about how to quit that get's me.

I had never quit because of a woman before, so I gave it try. Apparently the conversation, that led to breakfast at Denny's at 2am, in which she divulges to me that the smoking is what holds her back from , well I don't know what from. We stopped dating a week later, consequently I picked up the cigarettes, again.

Not a hard lesson to remember, what ever I do for someone, I inevitably resent them for doing it. This of course only works for addictions or the hidden motive of loneliness. Co-dependant's right hand general on the war of relationships.

Deep down I want to quit smoking, is only another catalyst to revealing the truth to myself. Along with other parallel drama's I am clearing. She is the angel I requested in order to remember how to interact without emotions, or overbearing attitudes.

You know, you meet and the second date you are wondering if she wants curtains in the kitchen window. The debate of color versus the paint on the wall. Why do kitchen window's need curtains? No one ever does the dishes topless anyway. All of this takes place in my head while she is still determining whether to write in pen or pencil our date for the Dance.

Now really, I am getting better at the dating game, it was a full month before I decided that I may want to sleep with her, after that I set a rule 4 to 6 months. Her response, reminded me of changing my behaviors to suit another. "I don't know if I can wait that long."

hmmm... first thought: I am not changing for your needs. Second thought: really? third thought: I have been here before, heard the same line and it hurt too much in the end to relive the same drama.

Now, I am ready to stop dating her. The merry-go-round of thoughts and desires speed up.

"Now hold on," my brain begins, "It has been a little over a year since we had a date, or steady dates. A new girlfriend may not be a bad idea." I light another cigarette and contemplate my response.

"That is true, perhaps it is time. I feel like its time I heard that two months ago but something isn't right here."

"Yeah, but how do we know what it is until we push through with whats happening?"

Merit, the idea has merit, let the merry-go-round continue and see where we land? hmm.. nope. Not going there, lets pursue the sex angle.

Did I mention we stopped dating?

Pain, the touchstone of spiritual growth, according to the 12by12, leads me to the same conclusion. Ride the experience until the end remembering to detach from the outcome.

That led to a path of food changes, exercise habits and more involvement in school activities. Brain chemistry, dopamine and taking amino acids which by the way may not or may cause the headache. Turns out sugar didn't fix the migraine, excedrin did.

What's left? The Dance.

Laying on my floor listening to "You've Got Mail" reminded me how little we tell each other, or how little we listen when people speak. One group says "SERVICE, that is what you need!!" Another claims "Take the day off and do something totally different" And still the body says, "Sleep"

Me? I am laying on the floor discerning why I don't want to go to the dance.

First I started with the Committee responsible for the Dance. I have a resentment. The truth to that is they hurt my feelings by slamming me in a meeting. I pick apart every member on the committee and decide their actions warrant my disdain.

Then I blamed the girl, our date in the calendar (marked with a pencil) was at a Dance. Now it's her fault that I can't enjoy it.

None of those are correct, I am scared. I don't want to go because it reminds me of what I did and what I didn't get. Now the truth is evident, I must go because as a Dawn once said. " I do the opposite of what I don't want to do." I don't know why but it resonates with me, okay.

You know, I feel better admitting the truth. I can't change the people on the committee, or the woman I dated, they are all perfect exactly where they are. I get to change, to grow and remember who I am.

I am human, with feelings, and apparently I love to dance.

Thank you.

Cool