A Letter to a friend

Dear Family and Friends,


This is a letter sent to a friend, the content of the letter illustrates a much deeper understanding of self and our relationships with each other. Not only romantic relationships but friendships as well.

Dear Liz,

Thank you for your willingness to hear me out on a few things. I am unsure what I need to do next. So here it goes.

My sister had brain surgery on Wednesday. Harrowing three days I spent in California. On Tuesday, before the surgery, I hit the hotel nervous, scared and unsure how anything is going to happen. I stayed very close to my program, prayer, and meditation. I hit a meeting at noon, a women's group in downtown Sacramento. I talked about what was going on and recieved love and support from them all (I love this program).

later that night I went to another meeting, at North Hall, the gay group in Sacramento. A couple of the ladies from the earlier meeting were there and welcomed me again. I listened to thirty lesbians share there experience strength and hope. Usually, I am not comfortable in gay meetings, especially women gay meetings.
Diane, an oldtimer, celebrated 36 years of sobriety spoke towards the end. During her share she talked about some of the women she sponsored who said they were lesbians. After talking with them for a while she discovered they were straight women hiding in a lesbian meeting. I was shocked and awed at the same time.

Then this feeling came over me, a knowing or something. I have come to understand this is what "truth" feels like to me. Then there was the obvious question: "Is that me?"

Preference wise I like women over men. I suppose it isn't impossible to fall in love with a guy but I haven't experienced that. Usually I respond to a guy like a sister or buddy. So there is that, but two of my sponsors have asked me if I was sure I was gay. I don't get that question either, but that is neither here nor there.

I think the opposite may be true, I am a lesbian hiding in straight meetings. I grew up in mixed AA, all the 4 1/2 years. It was my sponsor Mel that started me on my journey toward women and women's groups. Even then, though, there was no label on the type of group. Today I am overwhelmed at the beauty and caring in my women's groups and meetings. They are not affiliated with Gay just women.

I started to ask myself some questions based on Diane's sharing.

Am I hiding? - yes
Why do I feel uncomfortable in lesbian women's meetings? - ??
What is this issue with women? - ??
Do I still harbor a resentment against women? - that one came back a big resounding YES.

I don't know what to do, actually that is a copout. The answer is simple it is always simple - a fourth step.
Some piece of me thinks this stems from my mother, I don't know.

Diane, the old timer, suggested I fire my sponsor and get a Lesbian sponsor. I will be honest Liz, I dont trust lesbians and I am not firing ___a__. But the obivious reaction I have toward gay women warrants my attention.
Spiritual Axiom right?

Thank you for listening, perhaps that is all I needed. I am recognizing that there is a definite loss of love toward women, lesbians and straight. Not sure if there is a correlation or if all are lumped together but journaling sounds good.

If you would like to respond, I appreciate it, your own experience perhaps but if not thank you for listening.
Always in Friendship,

Cool