Today, sigh, okay leaning into the Universe on this one.

Good Afternoon Ladies,

Growing up I heard various expressions about my actions and emotions. Some of the similiar to what you may have heard too.

"Don't cry, or I will give you something to cry about."
"Eat your vegetables, don't you know there are people starving in India."
"Close the gate, what are you born in a barn?"

"Your Father loves you, can't you see that?"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

I think twice my mother offered up to my father I may need to see a psychairtryst. Both times the answer is no, today I wonder about seeing a psychologist but then I chicken out and say its only emotions and who cares anyway?
Then the miracle of the Universe brings about exactly who I need, what I asked for and stated is in my reality. The problem seems to be I am not sure what to do now. I feel... uncertain. According to today's Psychology lecture that is apparently normal.
hmm... Ok Doc, lets see if this makes anysense.. I am going to lay it out there ladies, cause personally I have found holding secrets only creates regret, tension and resentments. None of those make it to my to do list.

Todays lecture is on Chapter Nine: Emotion and Motivation. Okay why we feel the way feel and subsequently do what we do. What the heck, I am loving this class, this teacher and my classmates.

The teacher, for a moment, allow me to introduce how the Universe provides what I need. God, my term for the infinite, provides a woman who is not only attractive but intellectually stimulating in order for me to "get the message". It is a pattern I discovered a couple of years ago much to my joy and regret. You see prior to this inner awareness I thought each one of these wonderful feminine creatures were "the one", the gift, the be all end all of love and happiness.
No, turns out they are the greatest teachers to my grand life filled with endless opportunities. The Doctor, for example, not only is she cute, petite and older she is gay and supremely intelligent. Right cue the music people cause fantasy land was on high alert!

Several conversations helped to increase my awareness of her, the lectures became enticing as the material incensed my brain while the teacher incensed my libido.

Okay so perhaps this is a little extreme? Its how it happens, intense connections from conversations which you guessed it have nothing to do with anything other than deeply intellectually stimulating. There isn't anything wrong with that by the way, in fact it is on the "List" of the haves for "the one God made for me".

So, the week before Spring Break the allure is broken, something shifted and I sensed a change in the energy field. Turns out the Doctor is in a committed relationship, a strangely odd piece of information i overlooked or apparently didn't care about in the beginning. Then something else changed, or was it me? PErhaps I was shutting down from her teaching because of the loss of interest? I dont know and I decided to simply go with; "It is what it is."

Then today, the lecture and the topic. Overwhelmed, as she talked, which is not the first time I heard God speaking through her, only this time the feelings that arose had nothing to do with the teacher. It was me, my own experiences, expressions from my ex-wife, friends when I was drinking, even those I met after getting sober, suddenly it was the lecture on Rochelle's Behavior Patterns and not Borderline Personality Disorder.

Alternately I felt the waves of emotion, Leave, yell out, curse the teacher, be obnoxious, drop the class, cry, give up, run away... It was a struggle to stay in the class for all of five minutes.

That is the gift of growth, yet still it impacted me more than I expected. What do I do with this? What the hell is Borderline PErsonality Disorder and why didn't anyone notice this before?

The answer comes from another student who raises her hand,
"I read in a study that woman in the mid 30's are diagnosed with this." The Teacher corrects the students that both men and women can have this disorder thought the ratio is 2 to 1 women. Those that are tested are in their mid 30's so that is not a stretch. Often people sexually abused, physical trauma or raped can encounter this disorder because of what it is.

The inability to process emotions, in other words realizing that a person can have both good and bad. There is no all good, or all bad, the black and white thinking causing a person to react strongly.
Ever have a friend who loves you, thinks your awesome then the next time can't stand you? This alternating mood is something to do with processing emotions. During the developmental stage of the brain, (early adolescence and early childhood basically ages 2-14), the child learns not to recognize emotions or gets the wries crossed.

Wow, I swear, I thought the next picture was going to be of me. Everything she said hit me like a rock. At first like heavy burdens hurling me deeper into the pit of despair; then there was the unmistakeable relief of a burden being lifted. The rocks weren't bing added to my satchel quite the contary they were identified and released. I sat outside after class, smoking a cigarette, at the psych tables. I stayed the whole hour, actually spoke to my teacher about my boss, and didn't drop the course. In fact I said nothing, I just sat there on the bench feeling the wind, the rain and hearing the voice within.

Then I cried.

I told myself, "I love you,honey. I am right here and we will get through this." The most profound moment was right then when I leaned back and said "Ok, I am willing. Father I need you I have no idea how to proceed here. Please, be with me."

I know I may have made some mistakes interacting with my professor, more than anything I feel somewhat foolish for the teenage crush. In that moment, outside with my smoke, I realized that the universe provided exactly what I asked for: mastery of my emotions.

Thank you, so much Universe, for the wonderful people you have placed in my path Today. I pray for the courage to lean into your arms and embrace this new layer of understanding. I pray for the good doctor's continued health and happiness, may she be blessed on her journey of saving the world, one soul at a time.

As for Borderline Personality Disorder, its totally treatable, no I am not a poster child for the psych ward and yes happiness is still a state of mind. Love? it is the most freeing and powerful emotion, one that I hope we can all embrace. Thank you for listening, hearing and I hope that you find a peace for yourself today. After all we are all just spiritual beings having this human experience.

with love,
Rochelle

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